Mourning is important. Over the last two years I have been learning how to mourn losses big and small. Some losses from long ago that I had buried deep inside, others fresh atop the surface of my heart.
"I cry aloud to God, and He will hear me. I sought the Lord in my day of trouble. My hands were continually lifted up all night long; I refused to be comforted. I think of God; I groan; I meditate; my spirit becomes weak. You have kept me from closing my eyes; I am troubled and cannot speak. I consider days of old, years long past. At night I remember my music; I meditate in my heart, and my spirit ponders." -- Psalm 77:1-6 (HCSB)
It was hard for me to learn to mourn. I didn't like to cry, unless it was at a sappy movie. I liked to live in my head and come to God after seemingly figuring things out on my own. Bringing my disappointments and longings to God was so uncomfortable at first. It was scary to say out loud to God things such as, "I know that I may never get married or have a family of my own. I long for this but it may not happen for me. Help me to trust your plan." Yet it has built a level of intimacy that is beyond what I could have thought possible. As I brought all things to God he granted contentment.
"Thawing frozen emotions is like warming frostbitten fingers; it hurts. But it's better than gangrene and amputation." – Unknown
Mourning the loss of someone you loved is difficult. Mourning the loss of a father I could have loved, whose love and protection I longed for, this too was hard. As adults, we process things from childhood and are called to admit the damage of what others did and did not do. We are called to go back to those very people, face them, ask questions and seek understanding. I will never get to do this. It took me many years to really face and acknowledge this was something I needed to mourn rather than just accept as fact. I had to mourn in order to forgive him and myself. I had to mourn to separate my view of God, and men, through the lens of my relationship with my father. I had to be willing to bring it all to God and deal with even those thoughts of God's sovereign role in it.