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| Learning to Rely on God: My Battle with Cancer |
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| Women Today >> Inside Out | |
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We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. 9 In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. 2 Corinthians 1:8-11
Pink boxing gloves hang on the wall in my kitchen. My husband, Jeff, gave them to me as a Valentine’s Day gift last year. They were lovingly inscribed: “Teresa Payne – Fighting Cancer Since 2-15-2008” 2 Cor. 4:7-12.
They are symbolic of how I fight for my faith daily in the midst of continual fear and uncertainty. When I was diagnosed with advanced Stage 4 breast cancer, I was emotionally devastated. My journey began as a small, barely perceptible pain in my left breast. My doctor claimed it was “probably just a cyst”. This small pain turned into the most shocking news of my life. At the conclusion of many different tests over a period of several weeks, cancer was discovered in my breast. That was only the beginning, as it was then discovered that the cancer had already spread to my lymph nodes, lungs and liver. I will never forget how I felt that night after hanging up the phone with the doctor. I was crushed emotionally. Like a
.jpg) scared child, I spent the night sobbing in the arms of my husband. I felt as though I was just handed a death sentence. I was overwhelmed with fear and disbelief that this disease was so quickly advancing throughout my body. We sat on our bed crying together hoping that our kids wouldn’t see or hear our pain. After we prayed together, Jeff encouraged me to call some friends that he knew would support me spiritually. I needed faith. Perhaps my friends could help me to focus on God and find the faith that I needed. Jeff did the same. In God’s family, spiritual “life-support” is only a phone call away. I am a 42 year-old wife and mother living in the heart of
I had so many dark and despairing thoughts. Would I run out of time and not see my children grow up? Would the pain be severe? Would I be throwing up everyday from chemo? Would I wither away in a hospital bed and leave Jeff a single dad? I was terrified of dying. I questioned whether I was right with God. I had been a “good” Christian…but had I been “good enough” to make it into heaven? These thoughts and many more have driven me to deepen my walk with God. There is so much that I continue to learn about God as I continue fighting my illness. Hoping to live yet preparing to die is the most difficult balance I’ve ever had to learn. I want others battling cancer to realize that though our battle is with a life-threatening disease, there is always a bigger war being waged against our faith. This is a war we can always win regardless what happens to us physically. But, we can’t do it alone. We must turn to God, remain with God, and fight spiritually!
My family and church have not stopped praying for my health. More so, they pray for my faith. Words can not express how deeply grateful I am for their faithfulness to God and to me. I believe that every prayer has moved the hand of God on my ongoing journey. I recently got my latest scan results. Now two years into my battle, I once again feel sad and scared. Round 1 of my battle was 6 months of cytotoxins which reduced my tumor burden significantly. Surgery followed. The past 12 months were relatively stable with a combination of bi-weekly chemotherapy infusions, monthly injections and daily doses of hormone therapy. The side-effects of these treatments have been tough, but I have managed to live a pretty “normal” life. I have been attempting to adjust my body pH through diet and Kangan water and have made changes to reduce much of the stress in my life.
.jpg) Still, I am vulnerable. God continues to remind me that I have control over absolutely nothing. I take to heart scriptures such as Psalm 31:14-15 that says, "But I trust you, LORD, and I claim you as my God. My life is in your hands." My latest scans now show disease progression: existing masses in my lymph nodes have increased in size; existing liver tumors have grown by 50%, and new lesions have been found in my liver as well as my sacrum. So, the report is not great…but it's not wildly out-of-control either. I am so blessed to have my health managed by the Director of Breast Oncology Clinical Trials for a premier Cancer Center of Excellence in the Bay Area. I know I'm in good hands. Most of all, I am very grateful that I am in the hands of God, our Father. He’s the one I want in my corner for every round of this fight. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4:16 Editor’s Note: For more inspirational stories and Bible studies written by women fighting cancer, please see www.cancerchicks.com. Teresa’s journey as well as those of other women with various cancer diagnoses are recorded there.
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| Last Updated: Wednesday, 17 March 2010 | |
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