Dear Lydia,

I found out that my 12 year old son viewed pornography while hanging out at a neighbor’s home with their 14 year old son. I am so angry with them! What would you do?

-Angry Mom

Dear Angry Mom,

I am sorry to say that this is not the first time I have heard from a parent regarding this occurrence in the life of their children. Pornography is rampant in the lives of children all over the world because of easy access to the Internet.

Let’s consider, for a moment, the issue of pornography. It is not new to this world, just more accessible. This accessibility has created much misery in many lives because it is an insidious thing. It arouses in many a curiosity that is similar to car accidents – we may experience fear or shock when we see the destruction or mangled bodies but we also want to look! I have unintentionally seen a glimpse of porn twice in my adult life and was jolted by it. It offended and shocked me but it also burned into my brain. Every now and then, it still floats through my thoughts and I must deliberately rebuke the curiosity. My husband and I have counseled with couples where one spouse has an addiction to porn. It is a destroyer of marriages. It is a common addiction with many young singles. And now, with the Internet a daily part of most of our lives, it is starting to devour our children.

I do not use the word devour lightly. I believe it is happening because Satan has gleefully utilized the Internet as one of his tools. The Bible says “The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10) Satan uses the Internet to steal children’s innocence, to kill normal sexual curiosity and change it to something that has the potential to destroy their future.

I researched the impact viewing pornography has on children 11 thru 17 years of age.

In a survey conducted by Dr. Jennings Bryant for the 1986 Attorney General’s Commission on pornography, researchers found:

• 91% of boys and 82% of girls surveyed had been exposed to pornography.
• Of those children, 66% of the boys and 40% of the girls wanted to experiment with the sexual activities that they viewed.

Though this survey is rather dated it was used in numerous articles that I read. I feel sure that since access and knowledge of how to maneuver the Internet are greater now than in 1986 the exposure to porn is still at high percentages for all teens.

Replicated studies regarding repeated viewing of porn with the following results in males:

• Sexual callousness towards women
• Trivialization of rape
• Distorted perceptions of sexual relationships
• An appetite for deviant, bizarre and/or violent sexual activity
• Devaluation of monogamy
• Non-monogamous sexual behavior is seen as normal

Yikes! Why am I expounding on this horrible stuff? I want YOU to take notice. This is a battle for your child’s mind and future. Take action as a parent and be responsible while your son is still YOUR responsibility.

In order to address the recent incident with your neighbor, you need to first think about the anger you feel towards them. “In your anger do not sin” and “love your neighbor as yourself” are just two scriptures you might be violating at this point. If so, please repent.

When you are able to respond to the situation with a Christian mindset, I would suggest you do the following. First, ask your neighbors if they know that their son is viewing pornography. If they do know and are unwilling to take action, I would not allow my children to go to this home unescorted. In the more likely event that they are either shocked to find out or, if they already know, feel that they are powerless to do anything about it, I would suggest that all of the parents come up with solutions together.

As you are formulating a plan, keep the following in mind:

Do not be naïve. I remember being surprised when I realized my children were experiencing sexual desire (by the way, sexual desire is one of God’s beautiful creations that the devil loves to pervert). While looking for a book in one of my kid’s rooms, I discovered sexual descriptions of another person’s body in a letter that was being written to a friend. My first impulse was to ignore it but I did not. That night, the family devotional centered on sexual desire and how the Bible tells us to control it. The other child confessed to me one evening that they had experienced lust by looking at another kid’s rear end. Their ages were around ages 10 to 12.

Be vigilant about your child’s Internet access. All computers in the home, including phones and laptops, should require coded access to the Internet. A savvy child can circumvent special blockers. Children should not have access to the Internet unless they are in easy view of their parents. This means that they cannot take or have a computer in a private location such as their bedroom.

Your children should accept talking with you regarding sex and sexually related issues. There will be some discomfort for all parties but you must overcome your reluctance in order to be a part of shaping their attitudes, values and behavior. Remember the studies that showed the impact of repeated viewing of porn? Don’t you prefer that your biblical views resonate in your child’s mind rather than the world’s views?

Know what is going on in friends’ and neighbors’ homes. Always discuss with the adults in a home their views on what is acceptable for kids to view and participate in online. Are the children allowed unmonitored access to the Internet? Be very specific because many parents are like ostriches - they have their heads hidden in the sand! Also, find out if they have cable TV and if so, what channels. I found out that HBO, a popular cable channel, shows porn when I was channel surfing in a hotel room. If your friends and neighbors have these things, make it clear that your children are not permitted to be in that home with you being there also. Perhaps you may influence others to change their family’s lifestyle in regards to this matter.

Angry Mom, I hope this response has helped you. Please read the next Dear Lydia about Facebook and other social networking available to many of us.

Love,

Lydia

Please send feedback and letters to dearlydia@dtoday.net